I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
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Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
This is the one
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.