I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
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Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no