@Brianhopecomedy: I've tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
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@UNTRESOR: Why bother drinking water? You're just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn't want you to know.
@pattioshankable: I've discovered the best way to punish 17, is to put on the same outfit as her, then follow her around all day yelling out "TWINSIES!"
@zombieparrot: Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
@Book_Krazy: [Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty] Boss: *points to memo on desk* "It says no Halloween costumes" Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*