I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
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There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
HOW DARE YOU
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
Phonetics
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year