I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
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push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
B
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.