I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
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Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.