@SortaBad: I've upped my game so now instead of buying women at the bar drinks I buy them a pony
@13spencer: Have you guys seen that great television show, "Candy Crush Saga With The Sound From Another Television Show Playing In The Background?"
@TheToddWilliams: [job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr--*thump*
@CatsForDinnerz: What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
@ElleOhHell: "Pray, love, eat." -- A mantis
@__candypants: "LeBron has cramps"... I get those every month you baby.