@SortaBad: I've upped my game so now instead of buying women at the bar drinks I buy them a pony
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@KatieBurnett: To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit - I will find you, and I will marry you
@fro_vo: Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers? Me: idk i've never done it B4 Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
@Playing_Dad: [At crime scene] Detective: You need to take this seriously Me: I am *picks up leg bone* Me: I found this humerus. Lol. D: You're fired.
@Brampersandon_: [office meeting] BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs? SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y'all lookin' at me?