@SortaBad: I've upped my game so now instead of buying women at the bar drinks I buy them a pony
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@bananagrvyrd: Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
@K_Chapacabra: Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
@causticbob: News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change. But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
@robotrowboat: Please put away that scary photo, Tina. That's my X-ray. I'm not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.