My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
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He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
Smallpox sounds so adorable
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
Spring of Deception
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.