@SortaBad: I've upped my game so now instead of buying women at the bar drinks I buy them a pony
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@murrman5: [wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news] "he looks like you" [me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it's not though
@sammyrhodes: My wife: "Can you pass me the stud finder?" Me: "You're the stud finder!" *deep, awkward silence* Me: "Here it is."
@aparnapkin: Have you ever heard someone honking so aggressively & for so long that you're like "this was never about the traffic, was it, buddy?"