have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
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Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
this post was so formative to me
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.