Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
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Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
All. The. Damn. Time.
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee