@MeetingBoy: I've wasted the best years of my life waiting for people to join conference calls.
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@dulcetry: I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
@KeetPotato: [lookin in bushes for our baby] me: where the hell can he be? dog: roof roof roof me: will you shut up [baby waves at the dog from the roof]
@corysnearowski: In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he'd yell "HOt DOG" then howl like a wolf & give away his position
@cwhudson: [at a loud bar] HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS? HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS