Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
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Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
Trumpy Cat
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.