This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
You Might Also Like
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
🤣🤣🤣
#FunnyLife Insects
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.