I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
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[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
yes… yes…
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener