@TheBoydP: I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
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@EndhooS: Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like 'Stabbyrabbit' or 'Weaponrat'
@LuvPug: Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
@KyleMcDowell86: [old couple feeding ducks in the park] "Nothing could ruin this Edna" *I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
@davidkenny100: Work meeting Boss: it's come to my attention that someone has been eating out of the trash! Everyone, including his pet raccoon looks at me