I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
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How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink