@JessicaVarsity: I've watched three episodes of "I Shouldn't Be Alive" tonight, adding "outdoor enthusiast and survival expert" to my online dating profile.
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@flashember: Wife: Sleep tight, don't let the bed bugs bite! Me: Haha funny. [under the mattress] Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
@Jay_FrickinLynn: [Giving a toast] "It was when I was entering blackout that I realized I forgot the Plan B at home. Happy 1st birthday, you little accident."