@JessicaVarsity: I've watched three episodes of "I Shouldn't Be Alive" tonight, adding "outdoor enthusiast and survival expert" to my online dating profile.
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@afbradstone: Today I heard a guy on the street say, "It's chowder season, baby!" so I pushed him in front of a bus because those are awesome last words
@steveolivas: I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me. It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
@onion_an: [at aquarium] That's a lot of octopussys to have in a tank. "Octopi" Oh sorry...that's a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
@djdarrellripley: Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey? Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!