I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
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Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.