I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
You Might Also Like
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
man i love columbo
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”