I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
You Might Also Like
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
I found your tweet-up…
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???