@Stella1070: I've wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
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@AndyAsAdjective: [restaurant] can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please? -how bout just one whole pizza instead? oh no I can't eat a whole pizza
@thenatewolf: GOD: Make humans super super awake when it's time to go to bed, and super super tired when it's time to wake up. GOD'S ASSISTANT: Did you... Did you mean that the other way around? GOD: [Embarassed, but afraid to show weakness] Just fricken do it, Jeff.
@bobvulfov: GOLFER: what r u thinkin ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use