@Stella1070: I've wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
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@Reverend_Scott: NEWS ANCHOR: Here's Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report. GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk] I quit. Back to you, John.
@_The_Man__: wife: im pregnant me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments wife: im the mother me: this is what I'm talking about
@jimmy_sharpe: Something just came up on my computer asking if I trusted it, and now we're running away to start a new life together.
@lildandeli0n: [Gets Twitter error: "Somehow, somewhere, something went wrong"] I know Twitter, I know. That's why I'm here.