@Stella1070: I've wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
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@omgthatspunny: The store keeps calling me to come back and buy more bedroom furniture, but all I really wanted was one night stand.
@CVTBaby: Him: Can you forgive me? *mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is* Me: Yes, but I'm really hurt so please give me time.
@bridger_w: If I were a mob boss, I'd ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
@CrazyClarine: After Paris my Airbnb host tried to say I stained her sheets & headboard w/ hair dye, but the gag is I don't wear hair to bed.