I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
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*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
True.
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number