I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
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me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.