I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
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I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.