I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
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Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.