I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
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Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
“Great, now I have to pee.”
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]