@ruinedpicnic: J.K. Rowling: "Theres actually a goat with Harry Potter the entire time, its just never mentioned or does anything."
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@bornmiserable: ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can't die here
@drunktweets81: I just called to get my credit score and I heard laughing in the background. Sounds like a cool place to work.
@mrjohndarby: Me: My son's goldfish died. What should I do? Him: Just flush him down the toilet Me: Gotcha. And the fish?