@thenatewolf: J.R.R. Tolkien invented an entire language for the elves but where the hobbits live is called Hobbiton.
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@kelter1: Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian's dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
@onion_an: [at aquarium] That's a lot of octopussys to have in a tank. "Octopi" Oh sorry...that's a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
@kv8: Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn't know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
@shutupmikeginn: Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn't say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.