My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
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23. the denim jacket
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
superman landing like a plane on his belly
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.