Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
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Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.