[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
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“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
So, can we agree on 4 or
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
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5.awesome