[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
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In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.