Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
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flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
Is this you?
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
Erm I’m gonna say no
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard