Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
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My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
socratic questions
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
i meant to share this earlier
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that