When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
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[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
The 6 types of sex
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
Oh deer
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet