@TylerLinkin: Jack LaLanne died two years ago and he's still in better shape than I am.
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@trevso_electric: Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
@ArfMeasures: *burst into doctor's office* ME: I'm no longer canstopetid DOCTOR: You mean constipated ME: No I've had a vowel movement DOCTOR: Get out
@omgthatspunny: The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
@iamspacegirl: MY DATE WHO IS A SQUID: What movie should we see? ME, SECRETLY TRYING TO HARVEST HER INK: Something super scary *I empty my popcorn bucket*