My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
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Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.