I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
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I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
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