Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
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[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*