I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
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My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
me 2 months after i graduated
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
synchronized noseblowing
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
Breaking news:
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
The Assassin.
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.