[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
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*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Scream sneezers need love too.
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
Breaking news:
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
Me, in DM rooms…
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k