[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
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What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.