[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
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There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
Cat.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.