Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
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Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
Lucky for them, they’re cute
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
That was easy.
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.