Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
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When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
I hate everything
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest