Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
You Might Also Like
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
how many bears make up a bear minimum
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”