James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
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As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
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When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
waiting for halloween be like:
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
It’s Dublin.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*