james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
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[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
That’s a good costume, I hope.
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone