Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
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me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone