Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
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IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
[montage of me giving-up]
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.