[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
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My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?