Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
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WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
Left at a local drug store…
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
S/o to @funTweeters .
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?