Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
You Might Also Like
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”