Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
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WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.