Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
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Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
I’m already scared
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening